Closure and Confirmation

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If you’ve read any of my previous posts you might have found out that I’m rather socially awkward and that one of my biggest fears is dying alone. I don’t mean to say that I’ve reached a Unabomber level of social interaction or anything even remotely close to that. I have friends and such but what I mean is that when it comes to a love life, mine is literally non-existent and I have almost no experience in that area of human interaction. So when I say that I’m going to die alone I mean that I’m going to be alone and unloved for the rest of my life until I eventually die. Now that I’ve gotten definitions out of the way, let’s get to the actual story.

For the last few months I’ve developed feelings for one of my good friends. I’ve been friends with her for years and we’ve gone though a lot together. I spent most of this semester overthinking everything and waiting for that impossibly perfect moment to tell her how I felt. Though my nerves probably would have prevented me from doing it even if that moment did occur. As an aside I’ve become pretty good at bottling up my emotions (yes, I’m aware that it’s likely unhealthy) so it was pretty easy to hide how I felt about her. However, my feelings for her combined with my insecurities began to fester in my mind over the months. My anxious thoughts would keep me up late into the night while I tossed and turned in bed. The thoughts used her as a focal point but were more about my own fears. “Why would she even like me?” “I would have absolutely no experience with dating and relationships while she does. Surely she wouldn’t want to have to deal with that.” “I’d probably just be terrible at relationships anyways.” “What if it ruins our friendship?” These thoughts went and still go on and on and on.  Gnawing away at me day after day.

Then there came the night before my post about “Today I Learned.” I got far too drunk and ended up drunk texting her sloppily how much I liked her. It wasn’t a very pretty sight. I apologized to her later and she said to not worry about it but I still felt terrible. My thoughts were racing around even faster. Combined with the stress of all the work that I have to do in these next two weeks I felt like ripping my brain out. Then, last night happened. Last night there was a small relaxed get together. I had a few glasses of wine and then a few more. I was very conscious of my actions, however. The wine acted more as liquid courage than stupid juice. In the end, after getting back to my room, I sent her a long message about how I had meant to say all that I had in the drunk text while I was sober and that either way I just wanted closure at the very least. I got a response the next day and unsurprisingly she said that she just saw me as a friend.

I suppose that it could have been worse. Our friendship could have been ruined by me doing something especially stupid or continuing to bottle up my emotions and causing up to drift apart from me being so emotionally unavailable. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt like crap about it like I think most people would but I want to believe – need to believe – that in the end this will be good for me.

Still, a large part of me knows that this is just more confirmation of the fact that I will die alone. I know it sounds ridiculous that I would get that from getting rejected from just one girl but understand how I see it. It took me months of buildup just to tell her how I felt in an almost reasonable way. On top of that, she was the first girl that I outright told how I felt about her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had many crushes before but I’ve never in my 21 years of life made the first move to tell a crush how I felt about her. It’s a bit embarrassing but it just supports my belief that I will never find love and will eventually die alone. I know that I wound wishy washy about this and that’s just because I am. I think that this whole experience was a good step forward for me but it was only a baby step in the long road to not dying alone and the clock ticks faster everyday.

I apologize if were expecting me to end with something more positive about what I learned from this but there’s really nothing all that positive to take from it.

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